Student of Integrity Essays
Recently, I just wrote an essay for the “Student of Integrity” award. That was probably the most difficult essay that I have ever had to write, even though it was only 300 words. How, exactly, do they expect me to sum up my entire philosophy of life in a single page? Not only that, but like any other college essay, I had the responsibility to make it look like I was perfect. That was hard with the academic ones, but trying to do that when I am supposed to be demonstrating my integrity???? Impossible. Anyway, I thought and thought, and by the time the due date was near, and the office wanted to get it sent out, I just wrote what I thought. I knew this essay was going to get me in trouble, but I did it any way.
I do not think that I deserve a Student of Integrity award. The people at school who nominated me for this think that I am more virtuous than I am because I do my best to be polite. I follow rules. I do not do either of the above because I have a particular affinity for rules or politesse, I just do not have the energy to fight it.
I grew up with a mentally handicapped brother who had violent tendencies and absolutely no idea how to control them. If he wanted something, then he would go for it with all of his might. If I wanted the opposite, then I would have to fight with all of mine. This means that I had to learn very early on how to prioritize what I fight for. I am not going to risk bruising in order to watch Arthur as opposed to Star Trek, but I might be willing to fight for an episode of Sabrina for which I have been waiting an entire week. I was bombarded with these priority conflicts for my entire childhood.
From these experiences, I have learned how to distribute my effort. My school has a particularly strict dress code that I do not particularly care about. However, many teachers notice that I follow it fairly well. It is not because I have any underlying belief in the sanctity of rules. I just do not particularly care, so I am not going to cause conflict over something as silly as tucking in a shirt.
I am not a virtuous person. I do not care about rules. I do not go through the conflict of breaking them, but I do not go out of my way to make sure that they are never broken.
That essay was completely true. However, the college counselor still did not like it, understandably. It went against everything that he has been trained to do for his entire career, gloss things over, make students look perfect. Here I was, butchering my image for a scholarship. He was having a hard time controlling his temper.
Anyway, I rewrote the essay, trying to make myself look a little better and appease the counselor:
What is this essay? Am I supposed to tell the committee how virtuous I am? How I am better than all of the other applicants? I cannot do that. I just do my best to follow what I believe. That trait sometimes this gets me into trouble.
The most prominent time this has happened was when I asked for my membership to the ACC to be removed. I did this for a number of reasons. Mainly, it was because I did not like pretending to believe one thing while doing another. I did not like pretending to wear a head covering and a skirt all the time, even though I only wore them on Sunday, even though this is the inconsistent practice of the vast majority of female ACC members. I did not like nodding my head, pretending to agree with all ultra-conservative positions. I did not like pretending that I did not play sports. I did not like pretending that I intended to become a housewife. So I stopped pretending, and asked for my membership to be removed.
There are a lot of people who disagree with my action. They tell me that many members play sports and vote democratically and wear jewelry. One should not talk about those things in church, but those liberal views do not warrant leaving. I should go with the flow and not cause discord. But I was tired of hiding who I was, smiling and nodding and grinding my teeth. So, I did the only thing that I could think of. I gave up my membership. I broke my uninformed, sixth-grade oath, but I was true to myself and to my beliefs. I do not know if that was ethical or not, but what I did was my best guess at morality.
It was still not good. Too controversial. That was what the High School Director said. So I rewrote it again. He told me that I was thinking too much in terms of obeying rules. He said that in his experience directing the Honor Committee, of which I am a member, he has noticed that I do, in fact, try to do the right thing. I should write my essay about that. I went to the art room computers and typed up this silly thing.
A lot of people think that having integrity means following rules and doing what you are told. Rules have their place, but they are not the things that make a person moral. Instead, it is the type of decisions that someone makes when there are no rules to follow.
Sometimes, that means looking beyond an immediate situation to the purpose of it. If someone asks a question on a moral dilemma the purpose is not providing a confidant response, but a solution the questioner is willing to follow. If she is asking about homework, the purpose is not to provide the answer, but to provide understanding. Understanding the purpose of a situation effects the attitude with which you approach it.
Another important attribute is the willingness to sacrifice time, effort, and money for the greater good. I could be selfish with my study time so that I can get the best scores possible. However, I often prefer to help friends who are struggling in that class. That is a small price to pay for their success, the ensuing relationship, and the success of the class as a whole.
Self-sacrifice and patience are nothing if it is done in the wrong spirit. I do not do things because I want to be better than other people. I do them because I want the people around me to succeed. I want them to help me when I fall short of an ideal. I sin. I fail. However, because I do not look down on my fellow sinners and failures, those faults are kept to a minimum.
I know that it is not well organized, but I just wrote it out because I was too emotionally strained. It is hard when the office thinks that I am trying to sabotage myself, trying to annoy them, trying to make them mad. All on a paper over integrity. Frustration!
Anyway, they accepted it, and sent it in. I do not know if it will actually win anything, but I can hope. I do not know if they accepted it just because they were tired of fighting, or if it actually has some sort of quality about it. I did not stick to any sort of thesis statement. Oh well. I will just hope for the money and be glad that I do not have to fight with the office any more.
I do not think that I deserve a Student of Integrity award. The people at school who nominated me for this think that I am more virtuous than I am because I do my best to be polite. I follow rules. I do not do either of the above because I have a particular affinity for rules or politesse, I just do not have the energy to fight it.
I grew up with a mentally handicapped brother who had violent tendencies and absolutely no idea how to control them. If he wanted something, then he would go for it with all of his might. If I wanted the opposite, then I would have to fight with all of mine. This means that I had to learn very early on how to prioritize what I fight for. I am not going to risk bruising in order to watch Arthur as opposed to Star Trek, but I might be willing to fight for an episode of Sabrina for which I have been waiting an entire week. I was bombarded with these priority conflicts for my entire childhood.
From these experiences, I have learned how to distribute my effort. My school has a particularly strict dress code that I do not particularly care about. However, many teachers notice that I follow it fairly well. It is not because I have any underlying belief in the sanctity of rules. I just do not particularly care, so I am not going to cause conflict over something as silly as tucking in a shirt.
I am not a virtuous person. I do not care about rules. I do not go through the conflict of breaking them, but I do not go out of my way to make sure that they are never broken.
That essay was completely true. However, the college counselor still did not like it, understandably. It went against everything that he has been trained to do for his entire career, gloss things over, make students look perfect. Here I was, butchering my image for a scholarship. He was having a hard time controlling his temper.
Anyway, I rewrote the essay, trying to make myself look a little better and appease the counselor:
What is this essay? Am I supposed to tell the committee how virtuous I am? How I am better than all of the other applicants? I cannot do that. I just do my best to follow what I believe. That trait sometimes this gets me into trouble.
The most prominent time this has happened was when I asked for my membership to the ACC to be removed. I did this for a number of reasons. Mainly, it was because I did not like pretending to believe one thing while doing another. I did not like pretending to wear a head covering and a skirt all the time, even though I only wore them on Sunday, even though this is the inconsistent practice of the vast majority of female ACC members. I did not like nodding my head, pretending to agree with all ultra-conservative positions. I did not like pretending that I did not play sports. I did not like pretending that I intended to become a housewife. So I stopped pretending, and asked for my membership to be removed.
There are a lot of people who disagree with my action. They tell me that many members play sports and vote democratically and wear jewelry. One should not talk about those things in church, but those liberal views do not warrant leaving. I should go with the flow and not cause discord. But I was tired of hiding who I was, smiling and nodding and grinding my teeth. So, I did the only thing that I could think of. I gave up my membership. I broke my uninformed, sixth-grade oath, but I was true to myself and to my beliefs. I do not know if that was ethical or not, but what I did was my best guess at morality.
It was still not good. Too controversial. That was what the High School Director said. So I rewrote it again. He told me that I was thinking too much in terms of obeying rules. He said that in his experience directing the Honor Committee, of which I am a member, he has noticed that I do, in fact, try to do the right thing. I should write my essay about that. I went to the art room computers and typed up this silly thing.
A lot of people think that having integrity means following rules and doing what you are told. Rules have their place, but they are not the things that make a person moral. Instead, it is the type of decisions that someone makes when there are no rules to follow.
Sometimes, that means looking beyond an immediate situation to the purpose of it. If someone asks a question on a moral dilemma the purpose is not providing a confidant response, but a solution the questioner is willing to follow. If she is asking about homework, the purpose is not to provide the answer, but to provide understanding. Understanding the purpose of a situation effects the attitude with which you approach it.
Another important attribute is the willingness to sacrifice time, effort, and money for the greater good. I could be selfish with my study time so that I can get the best scores possible. However, I often prefer to help friends who are struggling in that class. That is a small price to pay for their success, the ensuing relationship, and the success of the class as a whole.
Self-sacrifice and patience are nothing if it is done in the wrong spirit. I do not do things because I want to be better than other people. I do them because I want the people around me to succeed. I want them to help me when I fall short of an ideal. I sin. I fail. However, because I do not look down on my fellow sinners and failures, those faults are kept to a minimum.
I know that it is not well organized, but I just wrote it out because I was too emotionally strained. It is hard when the office thinks that I am trying to sabotage myself, trying to annoy them, trying to make them mad. All on a paper over integrity. Frustration!
Anyway, they accepted it, and sent it in. I do not know if it will actually win anything, but I can hope. I do not know if they accepted it just because they were tired of fighting, or if it actually has some sort of quality about it. I did not stick to any sort of thesis statement. Oh well. I will just hope for the money and be glad that I do not have to fight with the office any more.
Labels: College Essay, Morality
posted by Julie Delphiki at 1:29 PM
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